Sometimes you just have to let it all out then let go.

This week I have been working too hard, working on 3 projects at the same and getting all conference calls at night.  Tyring to bury myself with work so that I won’t really have to think of other things going on in my life.   You see, i just went out from a crazy relationship.  The bad thing is I fell in love with this person so much.  Trust me, this person is a good person and yes, his reasons for leaving me are valid in some way.  No, there’s no third party and no, it’s not me — it’s him. 

 So here’s the thing, all through the process of this phase, I was trying to make sense of what happened.  I was sad, not mad.  I don’t even hate.  But one thing I realized today, I was mad and I hate what has happened.  Yes, I hate him for leaving me.  I am mad at him for not seeing me at the airport.  I hate him for all the things he never even tried doing. It took me the stress I had from what I have doing with work to realize I have all this.  I needed the anger/hate part of healing. 

No, I am not saying I am already okay but at least after getting this all out, I feel better.  Sometimes, you just need to acknowledge the pain, hate, love or whatever feelings that you have inside.  Sooner or later, it will come out.. Yep, in one way or another, it just has to be set free.

Me, a not-so-military gf/wife type.

And so I was told by someone I barely knew that I am not an Army wife material.  I didn’t realize that to there such a requirement to be one.  Everytime I go out with one, I would always be told that no, I don’t understand what they’re doing.  Relationships whether you’re with a military man or not is something you develop and something that grows through time and going through tough situations together. 

 So here’s what I was told.  ‘1. I am the type of girl who needs someone to make me his number one.’ Nope, don’t judge me yet.   I may look like that type of girl but believe me, I have been alone a lot of times of my life because of what I do with my work.  Yes, I travel around the states even the around the globe a lot.  So no, you can’t tell me I need a man 24/7. ‘2. It’s hard to do long distance and I won’t survive it’ Again, see explanation for point 1.  ‘3.  The work that he has will only hurt me.  There maybe no communication for month and his priority is his work’.  One again, see explanation for point one. (and cmon, the technology right now is way too much so I don’t think there’s no way you can really communicate)  Okay here’s what I’m guilty of but this did happen with a previous one.  I was jealous.  I am still a little jealous.  But through what I have experienced, this is something that I have worked out with and I know, I did well on this.  

No, I am not perfect and so is everyone else.  I wasn’t trained by my parents to be one and my life doesn’t involve anything that has to do with the military.  But when I love someone, I really do love one and try my best not to be someone who knows the military but someone to be there for the person.  I want to be the right one’s girlfriend/wife. What matters is that you try, you try to understand your partner, you try to be there for him and try to be as supportive as you can be.   Yes, at times, there will be problems but surviving, working on it makes the relationship stronger.  No, you don’t try to be something that you are not.  When you love each other, you don’t pretend, you don’t expect and you don’t get scared of what the future will be for you even if you two have very different worlds.

What’s meant to be will find its way.

(In the room, VA. Good friend’s house) 

They say that when you meet the right person, that special someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with, you will feel it. It will just hit you.

 I felt it, I had it.  At this same place where I am right now, I looked into this person’s eyes and said to myself “I want to wake up each day with this man” .  I felt happiness and security. I know love the moment we kissed. I had fallen so madly inlove with another man before but I never had said to myself that I will marry this guy. 

Some people think that it’s stupid, I knew the man so short and hadn’t really be with him a long time.  What they don’t know is that, during the most depressing, lowest point in my life, he’s the person who has brought me happiness each day even if it was a long distance affair.  I believe that distance will never be an issue as long as the two of you tries to work it out.

We didn’t have our happy ending, at least not yet.  Things happen and didn’t work out. We have been seeing other people now. We still talk, sometimes fight.   just don’t know what to do.  Trying to be friends with someone you love is so hard but being away from him is even harder.

Right now, I am preparing myself.  I was thinking.  When I leave this place, I should leave all the happy memories that I have and move on. It’s never right for us to still talk knowing that he has a girlfriend and someday soon, I know I’ll have one.

I still believe there’s something special between us. I don’t expect anything but I do hope things will turn out fine for us.  Like what they say, what’s meant to be will find its way.

Happiness

I was browsing through my notes and found one quote that I got on a company website when I was on a client site.  Here it goes: ‘The grand essentials of happiness are something to do, someone to love and something to hope for’. 

Something to do: I love my job.  However, recession is making it all hard for us to truly function.  If there was anything that I could wish now, that is, to have one.  Work makes me forget about life and love problems.  I wish, I truly wish, I will have one soon.

Someone to love: I am sure that I have only truly love one person in my life but accepted that he would never be mine.  If I am inlove now, I don’t know.  On the rebound, I don’t know.   All I know is that I am hurting when we’re not okay and I am happy when I’m with him.  So the I have this someone as someone to love, I still have yet to find out.

 Something to hope for:  I have been really hopeful.  Life will be so much better.  I’m sure it will.  After all that I have gone through and is going through, I am hopeful of a better me and a better future.

 So am I happy?  Not yet.  I’m on my way.  When I truly find what I have been looking for in life, I know I will be.

The Highschool crush ;)

It’s funny that even when you’re already in your late 20’s, you still somtimes go back to being highschool and find that one person who will just make you smile and giggle for a day.   Simple things like this brightens up one’s day.  I look forward everyday going to the office only to get a glimpse of this guy.  It doesn’t matter for me if the ex is just sitting right beside me or if there’s some prospective guy that I am already seeing.  It’s just fun.  Fun to be so higschool when all you can ever think of is how you’ll get him to talk to you or at least greet you. That alone is enough.  Hahaha! 

H.H.W.W.

My bestfriend and I were laughing so hard last night talking about the one simple wish I have.  We are going to New York later this afternoon to party and see some friends.  2 days ago, I told her that we need to go to Central Park on saturday because I just have one thing to do there that I have been dying to do since the first time I walked in that place.  During that time, I thought I was going to be with my prospective ‘darling’.  She asked what it is and I just told her ‘basta’. 

Funny thing about life is sometimes it’s the most simplest thing you wished for that would not be given to you. My bestfriend was laughing because I told her that all I ever wanted is a picture and the experience  being in Central Park with someone doing the H.H.W.W. thing (Holding hands while walking) The prospective ‘darling’ will not come so I won’t have it.  I am really disappointed. 

But hey, they say that good things come to those who wait.  Maybe I’ll do it with another person.